Dave Danforth is on assignment this week, so we are running one of his past columns. This one appeared Dec. 11, 2011.
“Confront thyself,” the voice answers. “The premium solution for total political image repair. How may I help you?”
“I’m Tex Collins,” the caller announces. “Heard about you from a friend who ran for office but was outed by an ex. You advised that budding politicians get in front of disasters early. So I’d like to hire you to investigate me.”
“OK. I’m Shirley,” replies Shirley. “We’ve been swamped ever since the Herman Cain mess. The affair and sexual harassment reports doomed him. The term for what we do is ‘image restoration.’ What’s your problem?”
“A little mess with my ex,” Tex quickly replies. “For the divorce case, she hired an investigator. He checked court records and found a couple of foreclosures. Then he checked further, and started to get into who I was putting up in the foreclosed homes and. ...”
“Script stuff,” Shirley says. “What’s the air date on NCIS?”
“It gets better,” moans Tex. “They found out I’m not Tex Collins at all. I’m a sort of an operative. It’s a brave story, even patriotic. But it’s bound to come out.”
“Your ex,” interjects Shirley. “Did she tag you with a nickname?”
“Tex the Ex from Mex,” Tex shoots back. “From my undercover days.”
“If you put out the story now, you can beat the punch,” Shirley lectures. “You could own the message. A nickname can help you. You remember Eliot Spitzer?”
“New York governor,” recalls Tex. “Got caught playing with a grand-an-hour call girl. Started with an IRS investigation into her ring, the Emperor’s Club. He had to quit.”
“He should have prepared to get found out,” Shirley says. “There was always a state trooper or two around. One alienated or greedy associate can toast you.”
“He was known by the girl’s ring as Client No. 9,” Tex recalls.
“He was also called the Luv Guv,” notes Shirley. “Cute. You have a chance at control if you get on it now. We’ll stage the press conference. You’ll rehearse and then confess. You got a new girlfriend? I hope she’s telegenic. It helps if the hand-holding looks real. Nothing like good props. Did you steal any money?”
“Let’s say we repatriated it,” Tex says.
“It has to go to charity,” Shirley says. “Politicians can recover from sex scandals. Clinton’s popularity actually rose after Monica Lewinsky. David Vitter, Louisiana senator. Outed because his phone number was on the D.C. Madam’s list. He apologized and kept his seat. You aren’t kinky or anything like that?”
“I’m from California,” Tex says.
“Which district?” Shirley immediately queries. “Schwarzenegger got voters to look past his groping episodes because he fessed up a long time before he finally became governor in 2003. We’ll revamp your Twitter and Facebook accounts. You pay for your own cellphone?”
“I do now,” Tex says.
“Kwame Kilpatrick, Detroit mayor,” Shirley punctuates. “Big ego. He and his girlfriend used phones owned by the city of Detroit, which had routinely hired a firm to back up all text messages. They came out courtesy of the Free Press and a court case. He’d already denied the affair.
Voters got to read all 1,400 of the steamy texts.”
“Bill Clinton lied,” Tex notes. “In a deposition, which is a sworn proceeding.”
“But what happened was more subtle,” Shirley says. “Because he covered up an affair in the face of a couple of rude lawyers with legal papers, folks sympathized. They’d have done the same thing. Who’d have thunk?”
“Do you have speechwriters?” Tex inquires.
“That, and memory specialists, who can come up with quick replies in case you go blank,” Shirley advises. “Or crib notes. You’ll submit to prep sessions. If you’re lazy, there’s no hope. You must master humor and preparation. Barack Obama told Jay Leno he’d tried coke and smoked pot. When Leno asked him if he’d inhaled, he said, ‘that was the point.’”
“Anyone you just can’t handle?”
“On one candidate, the cows have not yet come home,” Shirley offers. “An ex-media star named Trump.”
The writer (dukeofdanforth@gmail.com) is a founder of the Aspen Daily News and his column appears here Sundays.
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